Ugh another fucking blog mom, I’m literally annoying myself like hellllo super lame – but whatever Hi I’m Lex, or Lexie or if you’re a real jerk, Alex.. self-published poet extraordinaire suddenly thrust into motherhood and resorting to blogging about it, mainly for my own sanity.
So blah blah blah, the backstory and other things will likely unfold as I write, but here I sit, a single mother of a 6 week old baby girl – Riley, who is absolutely wonderful, my whole heart, but jesus christ people leave out a whole lot of shit when they tell you what its like to have a child. LIKE A WHOLE LOT OF REAL SHIT. Like did you know your vagina is basically virginal again? thats pretty dope. But also being ravaged by crippling insomnia and having to switch formula 17 times and or trying to figure out how to support yourself and your child when the father isn’t involved. Like wuuuuut did I get myself into? There are days I literally question if keeping my child was the right thing to do – there is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I love her, but am I alone enough for her? Will she loathe me for choices I made to keep her safe? Will she understand why he isn’t around? I cry my eyes out when I think this way cause what the fuck? and don’t get me wrong I LOVE BEING A MOM but lord jesus did people leave things out. Like cool debra I know that having a daughter is super exciting cause she will be my Best Friend .. (ya know after she hates me for a solid 6 years) but it would have been nice to know that my mental stability would be tested again and again these last 6 weeks… and all of forever i guess.
And thats the thing – no one really publicly discusses the struggles of being a parent, theres this whole “facebook perfect life” that most of us lead, and thats cool I get it, I really only post smiley pics of Ri – as a result everyone always states how smiley she is. For a baby yea, she’s super smiley, but she doesn’t smile THAT often – this past week she screamed her head off for 5 days straight – I honest to god was ready to have a meltdown because I swore she was colic – but I basically just suffered in silence, cursed some people out and cried every two seconds in my room praying to god it would get better, all the while wondering if it really would and what I would do if it didn’t. But that’s the stuff people don’t talk about – everyone wants to come off as super mom or super dad, when the reality is, parenthood is really fucking hard and I’m one more blowout diaper and sleepless night away from a 302. I also know there are some other moms and dads out there struggling like I have, trying to figure out how be a good parent and keep your sanity at the same time – so that’s what this new chapter in my writing career is about, and probably some other ridiculous shit too and if ya don’t like it thats fine cause I’m too tired to care.
Love and Light