This Is Us.

I suppose it would be intelligible to give the hot 3 people that are reading this some back story – just kidding there’s like at least 7 of you. But anyway here’s the jist of how things went and how they are now.

I’m Lex. Just turned 29. Living the eternal dream – dead end job .. no seriously I greet people right now for a living at a hospital.. basically 2 steps up from Walmart but I don’t have any stickers to hand out. I was working as a crisis counselor before Riley, needed health insurance, the whole 9 whatever that’s how I got to be the best ER greeter in philly. Thanks. ANYWAY..

I found out in February I was pregnant with Riley – complete utter shock, literally didn’t even think it was possible.. I’m that asshole that has sex once and gets knocked up. Sorry. My ex did not want the baby going so far as to question if it was even his – my pregnancy, emotionally was less than ideal. People actually asked if keeping her was a good idea, ya know as if I wasn’t already worried about it myself let’s just add in some outside doubt, my favorite however were the people who felt it was their right to know who the father was.. like people I BARELY know.. and apparently just saying he isn’t involved isn’t clue enough to stop asking, one woman went so far as to tell me that I shouldn’t have slept with someone who wasn’t going to take responsibility for his actions. !!!????! WHAT!?

Being pregnant and alone was such a rollercoaster – some days I was like fuck him, fuck that I can do this I don’t need anyyyyone – like no big deal, I fucking got this, I’m a bad fucking bitch. (Insert hair flip) But then there were days where it took everything in me not to call and beg him to be apart of this. Apart of us. We spoke here and there – I didn’t want to get wrapped up in something that would never be- but I often found myself wishing he was around so I could have a “normal pregnancy” – one where we talked about names and what we thought she would look like, one where he would do something so simple as to put his hand on my belly and feel her kick. Those were the hard days. The days where I just wanted to be held and told I looked super beautiful and not like a fucking potato. And ya know be assured that my child wouldn’t grow up with some grotesque Daddy issues. But those days didn’t happen and instead I had some friends and family to lean on and go over baby names with (thank you for not allowing me to name her Elliot), to joke with about weird pregnancy cravings (like literally being obsessed with all things Spanish), to ask fifty thousand annoying questions like what kind of diapers to use or what bottles and to lean on and vent to when I questioned myself and my choice. (For those of you who helped me during this time I am eternally grateful).

I swore for the bulk of my pregnancy Riley was in fact a little boy – like SWORE. And I balled my fucking eyes out when I found out my he was a she. And I felt like a terrible person because I literally did not want a girl and was 100% concerned I would not be able to love her. But it wasn’t something I really openly discussed- I joked about how I cried and how I made another ultrasound tech check me again but it was an actual fear I carried inside for a good couple months. This is the actual photo of me realizing there is pink icing inside the cake.. those are not tears of joy .. very Kim Kardashian..

Let’s just say thank god for my one friend who I confided in who told me she felt the exact same way and that it would get better.. totally didn’t believe her but she was right and I am so happy riley is riley.

So la la la Riley came four weeks early due to a complication. I’m a total bitch because it was an easy labor.. easy meaning once I dilated it was 3 pushes and out in 5 minutes. But it totally took 16 hours to get there and was Painful as fuck, I swore pooped on a doctor but apparently didn’t, was super homicidal the last hour, but then there she was this gross little goopy creature thrust onto my belly and I was instantly filled with complete and utter disbelief that I created something so perfect.

So that’s a little bit about us. Or a lot.

Thanks to all the women especially other moms that texted or messaged me – let me know if there are things you want discussed.. I’ve got a few things up my sleeve but I wanna hear from you.. serious funny whatever.. it’s nice to know there’s other people going through the same damn thing… as always….

Love and Light

Lexie PS

Also ps… this is what parenthood mostly looks like

6 thoughts on “This Is Us.

  1. This is an amazing story ! I tested up just readin this and was so inspired as well 🤗🤗 ur a strong mommy and ur little girl is simply beautiful and precious! Xxoo🎀🎀🎀❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I never related to someone so much and I’m so glad I took the time to read your blog. My sons father also did not want to be involved and I always just wanted him to “want” to be involved without me trying to force it but now my son is 2 and never met his dad who also has me blocked on Facebook so that shows how interested he is 2 years later in ever getting involved / I see everyone’s perfect pregnancy pictures on social media as well with their baby fathers happy and touching their big belly’s but all I had was my close friends to join in on my joy . I still hope one day I’ll meet the right person and do it all over again the right was with a man that wants a family and especially one that includes the son I already have and I don’t say that In any way suggesting I regret my son or my pregnancy because like you I did have amazing people who made it wonderful and threw me a shower and helped me but going through it as a single mom is still hard and I can also relate to your other story where you dated while your baby was young . I thought I met “the one “ when my son was about a few weeks old but little did I know that instead of him being the one and the replacement father for my child that I thought I needed he turned out to be the one that brought me back to my addiction and caused me to miss out on the first year and a half with my son because I relapsed with him. My son will be 3 in June and I am just getting my life back together this past year and now working on getting custody back from my mom but basically what I’m trying to say is thank you for sharing your story and letting me know I’m not alone and that you and I literally lived the same situation and had the same feelings most of the time during our pregnancy and still to this day. I also only post the smiley pictures but people don’t see all the craziness I don’t post that I deal with on my own without that other person who should be here to help me (his dad) but I make it work and I believe my son will appreciate me more for this one day .💕💕💕

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Honestly thank you so much for writing that ! It’s nice to know when something I write helps someone else relate or know they’re not alone. I’m sorry your child’s father chooses not to be involved, I know it’s not always easy but keep on the right path, that little boy needs you. If you ever need someone to bitch to or vent or whatever please know I’m always available. Sending lots of good vibes your way 🖤☀️

      Like

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