I’ve been thinking very carefully how to write about this – and there isn’t really a “good” way. At first I wasn’t going to write anything, I thought I’d just leave it alone but I feel like I have to get it out because this blog was meant to be an honest depiction of being a single mom and having your heartbroken is part of it I guess. Plus when you’re writing about others it’s really hard to do it tastefully especially if you’re hurt but as Ann Lamont said, “if people wanted you to write warmly of them they should have behaved better.” So here I am the Carrie fucking Bradshaw of single motherhood telling all (but like still trying to be objective cause I’m not an asshole).
I had been seeing someone since riley was a few weeks old, I honestly wasn’t that interested at first and felt weird about dating someone having just had a baby but we talked for a couple weeks and he kept my interest, he seemed different than everyone else I’d dated and said that he wasn’t looking for a fling, he wanted the real deal this time. Why else would he waste his time with a single mom.
Seemed to make sense to me – why would you waste my time ? He had a little boy, he understood being a single parent, it just seemed to make sense.
And it was good at first, it’s actually upset me more in the last few days because I can’t wrap my head around what happened as I remembered some of the first couple weeks. We usually spent the weekends together, he met my friends, he helped me with the baby I played with his son, I’d make dinner, I thought I was maybe falling in love ya know? – it felt like we were a family, but I guess that’s what people call playing house.
About 6 weeks in my daughter went to the hospital for the first time – and that was around when I had started feeling a distance from the man friend, when I’d hear him bring up his ex’s name a lot (work related but more than I’d have liked) and when really all he talked about was work- I started to feel like I knew more about his caseload than him. I knew he had trust issues or said he did, and I definitely felt that wall or whatever you’d like to call it. Work was his main priority and that was fine, I didn’t expect to be number one but it’s hard to be with someone when they’re sitting next to you on work calls all the time. Like they’re there but not really.
So blah blah blah he gave me a key to his house – just handed it to me- which felt weird because at that point I felt a distance but the key made me think like maybe things were fine – maybe I was just imagining it.
Riley went back into the hospital a few days later and spent most of December there – I will say he did show up the very first night she was there and that melted my heart and he came again another day but that time he was just on the phone with work again.
While Riley was in the CICU, I stayed at his house a few nights because I couldn’t sleep where she was – I had been feeling like a trashcan living in the hospital for weeks and when you’re alone and uncomfortable and riddled with anxiety and completely fucking vulnerable, your thoughts have a way of taking control.
Like I said I felt like a trashcan so as my man friend asked, I picked his son up from daycare and took him home but we stopped at target so I could get some stuff to try and feel better about myself – I wanted to make myself look nice because I felt like shit and I’m a control freak – I like to look put together – it’s some weird thing I do, like if I look put together on the outside no one will know the mess that is going on inside. And I felt the entire time I was at the hospital that I looked the way I felt inside and I wasn’t okay with that and maybe it’s shallow but that’s how I felt.
So whatever I take his son home get him fed and put to bed and then I shower and do my hair and my makeup and for a little I actually feel okay amidst all the chaos. But then man friend comes home and well I guess he doesn’t act how I want him too- I felt like I got a half ass kiss hello and no mention of looking ten times nicer than I have in the last few weeks.
We watch tv but my head is going crazy I have gone over it a million times he gave you a key you’re being a psycho everything’s fine. But it doesn’t feel that way. There’s something I can’t shake like he’s just not interested or maybe he’s still in love with his ex . I don’t know but I ask if we are okay as we are laying in bed that night, I even preface it by saying maybe I’m just insecure but it turns into something else – I don’t even really know what – I’ll be generous and say it was a ten minute weird fight but it really wasn’t. It did however keep him up all night because he felt I implied he was shallow. On a scale of 1 to crazy bitch I’m pretty lowkey like I’m literally maybe a 3 – I’m petty – and I’m allowed to go to a 5 when my child is in the hospital.
The next morning he basically told me my priorities weren’t in order and that I should be focused on Riley – and I kind of knew then it was done . Riley is my priority but I thought we were a couple, and I felt something was wrong and I couldn’t ignore it, I thought that’s what adults do in Relationships and plus if he was gonna marry me like he said that shit had to be dealt with. But I guess it wasn’t what I thought.
He always used to text me good morning, every single morning since we started talking – he knew I loved that and in the last few days he stopped, I would like to believe it wasn’t purposefully but it felt intentional. He didn’t answer the few texts I sent, or would answer hours later, I knew it was done but he didn’t want to say it, maybe because it was right around Christmas. So finally Christmas night after he didn’t answer me for hours I just asked what the fuck his problem was and he simply said he couldn’t have nights like that with someone he hadn’t been dating that long. Someone he hadn’t been dating that long.
I thought about it all that night, couldn’t understand what I did, how i had gone from being “the one” to someone random, how one small argument had outweighed everything else. And honestly I still don’t get it, but my gut tells me I wasn’t far off , that something was up I’m just not sure what.
As a single mom, what hurt wasn’t losing him, I don’t ever want to be with someone that can make me feel that insignificant so quickly- it was the fact he insisted he wasn’t looking for a fling, that I hadn’t dated anyone in so long, and I let him in not only my life but my daughters – I trusted him. And Nothing hurts more than broken trust.
So after a few bath bombs, a bunch of butthurt texts to my friends, a couple gym sessions, a mani pedi and this post I think I’ll be okay. Strictly focusing on myself and my sweet girl and only positive things and people.
Just lost about 170lb.
New year who dissss? 😘✌🏼