Is it worth it? Lemme werrrk it.

(Please sing to the proper tune)

Is it worth it lemme work it – I grab a redbull, crack it then slurrrp it.

Kidding.. no ones slurping – we are slamming them down over here. I’m back at work, up anywhere between 4 and 5 daily and back on the redbull train cause bruuuuh it’s rough. Most nights I pass out with Riley at like 8. If I’m feeling wild -9:30.

It’s been two weeks back into my ER nightmare. Id love to say being back is great but it actually feels like my own personal level of hell, somewhat similar to level 7 and 8 in Dante’s Inferno. Just kidding it’s not that awful but it’s close. I really miss my lil babe during the day. I know some moms want to go back to work- I however did not. There are probably 14 other places I’d rather be (#1 home, 2 beach 3 California) and at least 34 things I’d rather do (workout; count staples, slam my head into a wall). When I say I literally dreaded the day I mean it – I think I stayed up until midnight trying to hold onto my last “free” day with Riley.

Not to be political but the United States sucks in terms of maternity leave – most women here are lucky if they get 6-12 weeks – outside of here, countries like England or japan actually pay you a portion of your salary and allow you to stay home for a year with your child. Like whaaaaat ?! I totally should have moved to England- Riley would sound so cute with a British accent but I’ll let Peppa Pig handle that one. Unfortunately that’s not my reality and I was actually able to stay home with Riley longer than most people would have due to her heart surgery – so the bad actually gave way to some good and I was lucky to have extra bonding time with my queen. But still man I wish I could stay home for her first year – like I could never not work because I’d feel super lazy, but a year watching her grow and seeing all her milestones? That would be amazing. Oh well that’s not my reality or most of the United States’. And I will say I’m super lucky to have amazing people who I trust watching my daughter during the day, helping me get her to doctor appointments and dropping her off at daycare etc. When they said it takes a village to raise a baby they weren’t kidding. Riley’s fortunate to have a solid tribe but her tribe leader – (that me πŸ™‹πŸΌβ€β™€οΈ) is exhausted.

Getting into a new schedule has been a challenge, I won’t sugarcoat it and say it’s been easy – by Thursday both weeks I wanted to cry from sheer exhaustion – coupled with all the other drama in my life, amid insecurities etc and some days I’m just like ready to crack. Like I know I just came back to work mam but I’d like to request a week’s vacation.

The funny thing is if I told you all the shit that goes through my head you’d be like slow the fuck down bitch, cause half of its irrelevant or not that fucking important but I’m still of the mindset that I have to be supermom and even if I wasn’t there’s still a lot of stuff that’s hard to get done during the week that I have to squeeze into two days and then ya no maybe relax for a second.

I try and cherish every moment I have with Riley when I pick her up- we have a pretty solid bedtime routine and I look forward to it every night obviously because it involves her but also because bed. πŸ™πŸΌπŸ˜

I imagine its all about finding balance, but I’m totally still trying to figure it out. I don’t know how to get done what I need to, enjoy my weekend with the baby and still take care of personal stuff or like take time for myself without feeling guilty for leaving Riley. So if anyone that’s done this has some suggestions I’m all ears.

Well that’s all for now, gotta blow dry my wild hair and get to bed – already up past my bedtime(8:11pm fml)

Love and Light.

Lexie PS

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