I feel like I always preface these by saying, I know I haven’t written in a while but… so I’ll say it again, I know I haven’t written in a while but I have a really great story that I’ve been DYING to write but I legit can’t yet cauuuuse it feels way too sex and the city and I think the person reads my blog so I’ll hold off for a minute or two but lord Jesus is it funny. ANYWAY sorry for the weeks in between but life gets in the way and there’s just not enough time some days or ever – a feeling I’m sure everyone can relate to.
My life has been such a blur since I went back to work, being a single mom, I have to keep a pretty tight schedule for Riley and I -routine for anyone, single parent or not, helps. But routines get boring, monotonous even : eat sleep shower work, repeat (but like ten thousand other things in there cause hello – baby). Some days I just don’t want to adult, some days I want to be like fuck this job I want to stay in bed all day and hang with my baby or like get a massage or do something fun. Some days I cry my eyes out from stress and worry and disappointment in certain people (unrealistic expectations I guess but is it that hard to be a decent human being? Idk). I digress. It’s just I’d be lying if I didn’t say that there are days when I really struggle, when I am so frustrated with certain aspects of my life that I want to give up – well not really but like I’d enjoy laying in a ball in my bed under the covers watching Netflix for a week. (Also pizza. And endless ice tea).
A lot of the time these feelings and worry stem from me being 17,000 feet ahead of myself.
Life moves so fast.
This guy that owned a rehab I went to always said time is an illusion and like that’s cool if you don’t have to work and stuff cause my boss won’t be cool with me just coming in whenever and being like what do you mean work 40 hours? time is an illusion. Like no. Time is definitely something made up but it controls us. And it’s the worst.
I’m constantly rushing through one day to get into the next, forever waiting on Friday afternoon when it means I get two full days with Riley. And pizza. Always pizza on Friday.
But I’m so busy rushing through each day, trying to make bottles and homemade babyfood (gotta be super mom) and like hopefully have two matching eyebrows if I’m lucky, that I forget to breathe.
I have to remember to slow down, to cherish every moment possible.
And when I can slow down, it’s like letting out this sigh of relief.
I look at Riley every night as she falls asleep and I wonder how anyone could not love her, she is literally so perfect. I watch as she grows and starts to sit up on her own, how she takes steps and dances and eats like crazy (seriously have you seen her eat? Straight. Savage.) And I remind myself how far she has come, how much she has been through, how my 3 month old baby had open heart surgery and now no one would ever know any different – she’s 6months and thriving- she’s a miracle.
And what a blessing she’s been.
Even though my days feel rushed sometimes, there is nothing I look forward to more than picking my girl up from daycare and seeing her big smile and how she reaches out her arms for me. Or at night how she rolls over and looks at me and holds my face mimicking how I put her to sleep, (not nearly as gentle as me but so sweet).
Riley is the absolute love and light of my life; she has taught me so much in such a short time. And I know God gave her to me for a reason, which means I have to trust in his plan for everything else, even if I don’t understand it now. I just need to slow down and take it day by day.
I know there are some other moms out there, some very close to me that are struggling and I will say it’s not easy doing this, alone or not, but the struggle won’t be forever, the worry, the pain you’re going through, though it may seem endless, will in fact end. Slow down, stay in the moment, cherish your children- and reach out if you need help, day or night. I’m thinking of you all. you are not alone.
Love and light